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“Eiss Hanty, why are you sitting on the beach sand playing with shingles?”
“How is that your business now, Madam Lantana?” I responded.
“Ah, I care for you na.”
“Sorry oo. Madam-carer, just let me be,” I grunted, picking up pebbles and tossing them back into the water.
“No, seriously, I care about you. You left home claiming to go to your Alternative Therapist, yet look at you sitting by the beach playing with sand like a kindergartener,” Lantana said.
“Lantana, please, do you mind? I really need my space right now.”
“Abeg shift joor! Aunty lone-ranger. Every time you need your space, you need your space; you no dey tire of yourself?”
“No, ma. I am still my best company.”
“Very boring. How a human being can stay alone and claim that they are having fun by themself baffles me.” Lantana sits beside me and nudges closer.
I side-eye her and shift aside. She moves closer. I sidle away; she comes closer and drapes her right leg across mine with a twinkle in her eyes.
“Babe, free me na. I came here to breathe.” I begged.
“You came here to breathe? Egbami, you been dey suffocate before? You left home to go to Iwona’s for therapy, so how did you now end up at the beach?
“She say she get another customer.” I picked up a smooth pebble and a coral and lay back on the sand.
“I no understand. She get another customer bi bawo? Didn’t you book this slot?”
“I did.”
“So, which kain talk be that?” Lantana was bristling already.
“I was running late and sent her a message.”
“You were running late? You ran from your house to here across three postcodes? With which strength abi you wan kpai?” Lantana looked worried.
“Gaskiya, Lantana, you no get sense. Run as in how na? Shey today ma pack run ni? I say I come late.”
“Aha! That is what you should say na, auntie. You know you runners, once you say run, we take it literally.”
“So, I go run the 22 miles because I want to prove what?” I glared at her.
“Ah, a le so! We never can tell with weirdos like you.” She shot me a sly grin.
“Lantana, I can’t deal right now. Just free me; let me breathe.”
“So you came late? How many minutes late?”
“26 minutes.”
“Haba, that is so unlike you. What happened?”
“I tried to catch the 3:15 bus but missed it. Then walked 15 minutes to the next bus stop, and the bus was delayed for 10 minutes. I decided to walk to the next one so I could catch a direct bus to her place, but that bus stop was closed. I went to the next one.”
“Johnny Walka. Why didn’t you simply take a cab? See as you punish yourself on top £20.”
“I no bi God na. I no see say na so e go bẹ.” I stood up, stretched and began walking into the waters.
“Babe, you wan jump inside water? No koba mẹ o,” she screeched.
“Olódò ni e. Jump say wetin happen? Say she save money wey I for pay the therapist?”
“Wow, that is awesome. Look how you reframed it already. Instead of you to say you miss your wellbeing session, you said she miss money.”
“Isn’t that the truth? She just missed this £50 quid. I will see if I can book with the other Polish woman at my àdúgbò or maybe try that Egyptian guy for acupuncture. Been a long time since I went to him.”
“But that Polish woman is more expensive, isn’t she?” Lantana cocked a brow. By now she was standing by the bank of the ocean, still kicking sand. Her morbid aquaphobia meant she wouldn’t dare come in.
“Yeah. She charges £50 for 30 minutes. While this babe dey collect same amount for an hour.”
“Ọmọ, see levels! Why the margin? Na gold dust she dey use?”
“Sebi I tell you say you no get sense? Gold dust how na?” I chuckled and threw water at her. She dodged.
“So why the margin? After all, both of them na Asians.”
“Lantana. One is Eastern European while one is Asian.” I laughed and waddled further into the ocean. “Besides, one uses her house while the other pays rates and rents.”
“Same of same ni. Asian oo, European oo, na the same colour.”
“Oh, I forgot you failed Geography at WAEC and managed a pass in History. So why bother explaining it to you?”
“Abeg free mẹ. European. Asian, no bi same oyiboo abi dem be black?” She giggled, like a schoolgirl who saw her boyfriend.
“So that Egyptian guy now wey be African, you go call am Black sef?” I asked.
“Those Arab-wannabes. Na African na–oyibo African.”
“Lantana, I take God beg you, mbok. I no get your power. Let me enjoy my quiet time. At least this one is free”
“But it won’t serve the same purpose na. That session would have done wonders to your body. Especially after these two days of hard training by Coach L. You can’t even lift your hands above your head from the pain.”
“True. I looked forward to enjoying this experience. Especially after recovering from these last weeks. Also, the lymphatic drainage would have helped.”
“Dis Obodo–oyinbo sef,” Lantana bristled
“Kilode?” I stepped out of the water.
“If this was Naija, they for no turn you back na. They would have made allowance for you.”
“True. Pata pata, I go pay extra. And that one is even a total experience, not this mockery of a thing they call spa,” I begrudged. “Ah, babe, I miss Naija spa session.”
“As in. From the moment you enter, you get the whole star treatment – sauna, steam, exfoliate, bathe before the massage begins. And sometimes pedicure join sef. All for how much na?”
“Nne, don’t even go there. The money for that whole experience no still reach this £60 wey dem use for only massage. Let’s not go down to Egypt joo. Comparisons would only spoil this experience now.”
“Which one?” She asked, spreading out her arms.
“What did you think I was doing inside the water?” I side-eyed her.
“Nothing na. Dem dey ask mamiwota wetin she dey do for her house?” She moved farther back as I stepped closer.
“So now I don turn mamiwota because I come seaside?” I cackled.
“Auntie, everybody know you and water na. It’s still a wonder how you take escape marine kingdom na your momsy head strong pass their own.”
“See why I say you no get sense. So because the water is my happy place mean something now?”
“No be only happy place. Water na your addiction.”
“Na you get your mouth. I only came for cold water therapy, and I am done.”
“Cold water therapy inside this cold and wind? You no see say e no normal abi you no get cold water for house?”
“That Polish woman taught me the thing when I started going to her for alternative therapy. She said the cold water shock is cool for the system.”
“Cold? Before, would it have been hot? A black person like you go dey behave like whitey. Carry cold water dey pour for body. Yet, una dey complain say boarding house wicked.”
“Not same. That was forced. This is a choice.” I wore my crocs and started ambling off.
“Whose choice? Yours or your body’s? You just carry the poor body fling inside shocking cold water, and you say choice.”
“Lantana, I go see you for house. I no get ya power now.”
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