By Bunmi Sofola
RECENTLY, Frieda, the head of a leading private school, lamented that modern parents are praising their children to the hilt and bringing up their daughters as if they can do no wrong. She argued that being showered with too much praise and too many presents is not a good thing for a child creating an inability to take risks because of the fear of failure. As a result, she said, girls are turning into little princesses, who lack the resilience to handle criticism or take life’s natural knocks.
Joke, in her 30s and a lawyer, said as someone who grew up with an adoring mother, she was inclined to agree with friends. “My mother doted on me,” she said.
“She was warm, affectionate, supportive and loving and I became full of myself. Even today, in my 30s, the messages of those early years – and that lover-inflated opinion I had of myself – still resonate. My mother’s constant assurances that I was brilliant led me to stumble early on in my law career through naive overconfidence, and her insistence that I was beautiful did not tally with my fat and big-bum reality. As a consequence, I have been left with life-long issues about my body.
‘My mother, a quite’ successful lawyer herself hated leaving me with the house-helps. Luckily, her job was flexible and she often took me with her along with a maid. She often felt guilty about working long hours and her divorce from my father when I was five meant she suffered a high dose of guilt. She wanted to play the role of both parents. This, combined with her unconditional love made for a potent mix, and I was more buoyed up by my mother than I deserved to be.
“My father used to complain she spoilt me, and to compensate he was harsh bothering on being cruel. By the time my parents divorced I already suspected I wasn’t as marvellous as my mum had led me to believe. It was probably lucky that my father had always been less dazzled by me than she was, otherwise, I might have become insufferable. I was convinced by then that I was neither thin nor beautiful. My mother always told me I had great legs, but I knew I didn’t. My thighs have always been closer together because of my weight, so I became fixated on my appearance, always on one crazy diet or the other. Through it all, I never blamed my mother. She believed I was beautiful and thought that telling me so was a kind thing to do an ego booster for me.
Was it a good thing or a bad thing my mother’s encouragement? Who knows? It was certainly given in the spirit of love and belief. As a parent, it is hard to strike the right balance as I’m now discovering with my own four children. We are told that children’s confidence and self-esteem are largely down to their parents, especially in the early years, but these characteristics are increasingly fragile and rare. To help our children develop them, we must praise them. But for praise to work, it must be the right kind, at the right time.
“I know I forget to praise my children enough when they deserve or need it. I praise them on automatic pilot when I do remember, or I do it in a way that is overbearing and embarrassing.
“My biggest fear is that my children become spoilt as I in those early years of my life when I was a little princess. I know I don’t always succeed in pitching my praise perfectly, but I’m improving. The ideal way of praising my children remains a work in progress, but I’m hoping I will get it right enough to prevent them becoming little brats”.
Looking After Your Bones Isn’t Only For The Elderly
During the first 25 to 30 years of life, your bones build up to their peak strength. They then ‘draw’ on this strength as you get older. Look after your bones by steering clear of these common bone breakers.
DODGY DIETS: Statistics show being underweight is a common cause of bone deterioration in women in their 20s. To build stronger bones you need a diet that gives you sufficient calcium, which is essential for bone development, and vitamin D, which is necessary for the intestinal absorption of calcium. Excessive dieting denies your body of many good-for-you fats. It can also lead to missing periods, which causes a decline in the levels of oestrogen and other hormones produced by the ovaries – all of which are vital for the maintenance of bone density. Eat a healthy, balanced diet that includes good sources of calcium, such as low-fat dairy products (skimmed milk, yoghurt and cheese), dark-green and leafy vegetables such as broccoli and spinach, and foods that are fortified with calcium, such as All Bran Flakes.
FIZZY DRINKS: Carbonated drinks contain phosphoric acid, which can weaken bones by removing calcium. Plus, each time you choose a fizzy drink, you miss out on the benefits of healthier alternatives. Steer clear of caffeine-based fizzy drinks, too, as excessive caffeine hinders calcium absorption. Rather choose bone-friendly drinks such as low-fat milk, soya milk, smoothies or orange juice.
PROTEIN OVERLOAD: Protein is essential for the growth and repair of body tissue, but too much protein – particularly animal protein causes your body to ‘steal’ calcium from your bones to neutralise that acid. Health guru and author of The New Joy of Beauty (Random House), Leslie Kenton, says protein-heavy diets plays strong role in the genesis of osteoporosis. So, eat more fruit and vegetables – they do contain some acid, but they also have buffers that neutralise acid.
SMOKING AND DRINKING: Need another reason to quit? Smoking accelerates bone loss as it contributes to less efficient calcium absorption and lowers oestrogen levels. Nicotine’s the main culprit as it interferes with oxygen supply to bones and has a toxic effect on bone cells. It also slows the production of new bone-forming cells (osteoblasts) and impedes bone metabolism. Studies show that the bones of smokers have inferior biochemical properties to those of non-smokers and are therefore more likely to break. Quitting smoking will increase the level of oxygen in the blood and reduce the level of toxins, giving your bones the chance to build up strength. You may want to curb your drinking too – more than two glasses of wine a day can increase your chances of having weaker bones.
A STRESSFUL LIFE-STYLE: To cope with stress, your body requires extra energy in the form of glucose, so it releases a hormone called cortisol. ‘Cortisol causes your muscles to release protein so that glucose can be made’, says Dr. Michael Elstein, author of Eternal Health (Struik). ‘This leads to the gradual disappearance of muscle bulk and causes bones to lose mineral content.’ It is therefore important to reduce your stress levels. Exercising will do this – and it’ll help strengthen your bones. Weight-bearing exercise such as tennis, kick boxing and running is especially good for your bones.
CERTAIN MEDICATIONS: Some prescription drugs interfere with calcium absorption. These include diuretics, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, steroid-containing asthma medications and various antibiotics. Before taking new medication, find out whether it could interfere with calcium absorption. If it does, and you must take it, ask a doctor how best you can compensate for this.
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