“Oh my God, Uwaezu! You need to hear the latest gist!” My younger sister buzzed with excitement. Though we had been living in different countries for a couple of years, we still made time to talk every single week.
Unfortunately, when she called, I couldn’t talk on the phone as I had been ambushed by my kids, who were brandishing their homework and threatening to cry if I didn’t help them. As a mom herself, she immediately understood why I couldn’t continue with the conversation.
I quickly made my excuses, and we laughed and hung up, promising to catch up at a more convenient time. However, that exchange got me thinking about how most millennial women have a radically different marriage and motherhood timeline from our mothers.
You see, when my mother was in her early 40s, my siblings and I were in university, so she had a lot of free time during the week to spend relaxing, hanging out with her friends, and attending social events. Basically living her best life.
I, on the other hand, at 40-plus, spend my days cooking pot after pot of hot meals that immediately get devoured by my ever-hungry kids, teaching my nursery school-aged kids how to count and spell, and trying but often failing to enforce a strict bedtime with yelling and threats. I constantly feel myself going underwater and have to fight for my life every single day.
There are other ways motherhood has been such a hugely different experience for me than it was for my mother.
Like many women of her generation, she got married right after secondary school as university education was not seen as vital. This meant that she was a teenage mother and so had more energy to spare on her kids. She also benefited from having a lot of support from domestic staff and relatives.
I do not have any village supporting me with child-rearing. I have hired domestic staff in the past, but it was always one thing or another, and they ended up leaving me stranded. I also do not have youth on my side, and I have the back pain and other aches to prove it.
But this experience is not unique to me.
Statistics show that most women globally will have their first child at 30 or 31, and we are seeing a lot more women becoming first-time moms at 35 and above. This is considered advanced maternal age.
The fact is that as women increasingly prioritise university education and career stability before marriage, maternal age will continue to rise. This is not a trend that can be reversed. The wobbly Nigerian economy doesn’t help matters either, as people are putting off marriage till they can grow their finances, leading to advanced marital age across both genders. For instance, I have several male ex-classmates in their 40s who have given up on getting married because they cannot afford to. This is very unfortunate.
On the village aspect, families now live further apart than ever before thanks to japa, and even those within Nigeria struggle to come together for various reasons, one of which is high transportation costs.
While there are certainly challenges, becoming a mother at an older age can also have its advantages.
You tend to be more mature, grounded in your identity, and confident in your choices. You have a clear understanding of the kind of child or children you wish to raise and are intentional in selecting a partner who aligns well with your values. Additionally, because you have prioritised building wealth, you have more resources at your disposal, which can significantly enhance the comfort of both you and your child. This financial stability helps you avoid being in survival mode, allowing you to approach motherhood with greater calmness. Research shows that well-regulated mothers often raise emotionally balanced children. You also have the means to hire highly qualified staff from reputable nanny agencies to assist in caring for your child.
One potential advantage—or disadvantage, depending on your perspective—of becoming pregnant at age 35 or older is the increased likelihood of having twins. As women approach menopause, natural biological changes in hormone levels can raise the chances of conceiving non-identical (fraternal or dizygotic) twins. This could be exciting if you have a preference for twins, but it may be something to consider carefully if you do not.
There are several ways to ensure that age doesn’t truncate your dreams of motherhood. The most important one is taking care of your mind and your body. Exercise, eat a balanced diet, and prioritise protein and fibre. Schedule yearly check-ins with your OB-GYN to check your overall health, among other things.
Take your vitamins seriously, especially folic acid. Try to avoid added sugar as much as you can. Get at least 8 hours of sleep every day. Most importantly, do not give in to the fear-mongering online. Women age 35 and above can and do get pregnant without any medical interventions, going on to have healthy babies. And even if you end up needing medical intervention, it is nothing to be ashamed of.
Finally, while you wait to start your own family, go out, have fun, travel the world if you can afford to, and live your life to the fullest. Trust me, I know what it’s like.
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Featured Image by Cottonbro for Pexels.
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